Chuck Norris is the man!...

1. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

2. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

3. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

4. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

5. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

6. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

7. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

8. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

9. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

10. Chuck Norris can divide by zero

11. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

12. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

13. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

14. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

15. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

16. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

17. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

18. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

19. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

21. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

22. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

23. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

24. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.


The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

25. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

26. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

27. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

29. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

30. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

31. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.


He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

33. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

34. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

35. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

36. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

37. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

38. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

39. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

40. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

41. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

42. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

43. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

44. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

45. When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

46. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

47. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

48. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

49. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

50. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.